dismallyOriented (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
dismallyoriented) wrote2024-10-28 08:37 pm
dismallyoriented) wrote2024-10-28 08:37 pm
Entry tags:
On small talk and making IRL friends
As with many posts, this is sparked by two things.
One: a nurse I follow on tumblr posting an extremely thorough powerpoint on How To Small Talk
Two: Having multiple conversations about the difficulty of meeting people and getting to know them
(Edit: OP's blog has since been set to login only, so I've updated the link with one on my public blog)
I would highly recommend the powerpoint. It's a combination explainer for medical staff on how to talk to patients effectively (how to use it to assess patient condition, how to figure out rules of engagement for this person, how to communicate compassionately with someone who's in pain/can't communicate their needs effectively without getting too frustrated and being a dick to them about it). But it also is an excellent how-to guide to things like general best practices, social guidelines, and easy-to-understand examples as demonstration. I think my personal takeaways are "how to figure out what to talk about", how to back out of an accidental conversational landmine (i.e. when asking about pets lands you ass-first into a recent loss), and the slide about levels of conversational intimacy.
The last one in particular has been a recurring pattern for awkward social interactions that me and my partner(s) have experienced when meeting other queer and trans folks - people misjudging the distinction between "personal" and "intimate" and diving feet first into a level of disclosure that is too far too fast for a casual acquaintance. That gaffe doesn't make them bad people, and like. Often it's just a mismatch between the expectations of their main social group and more typical social convention. It is still an important calibration to be able to make, though, and an important skill to have when getting to know people and form new social relationships with them.
The other topic I had on my mind was the main tactic I use for trying to form more IRL connections/an IRL social life. With the caveat that the state of the world means not everyone can safely go to in-person spaces - let's talk about hobbies.
Sometime back in college I'd read something about how the necessary ingredients for friendship are "consistent casual social contact" and "common interests". Hobby spaces serve you up both on a conveniently shaped platter. It's the main way I've been trying to make IRL friendships, now that I'm out of school and am kind of isolated at work. My coworkers are fine but not exactly people I wanna hang out with after we clock out. And more to the point I am Garbage at trying to forge social connections unassisted. I don't carry conversations well by myself, especially with new people, and I rarely if ever approach folks spontaneously. So I started looking for IRL hobby spaces to join. There've been two so far - a taekwando[1] class that I attend weekly after work (twice a week, if I'm *really* good), and a monthly SFF bookclub that meets at my local library.
Both of these spaces have had different results based on the nature of the group/club. I’m not necessarily Familiar with all the people in my martial arts class (especially because many of them are kids and teens), but they are a relatively chill group of people who I enjoy spending time with while working on a shared interest. It’s taken me a year to start like, having conversations with people in class, but it’s nice, and having a familiar group of people who recognize me is a good basis to start talking to them more. Meanwhile, the book club doesn’t meet as often, but the whole point of the gathering is to come together and talk about a shared interest, which means I’ve been able to talk with them more and get my social fill that way. The few direct social connections my wife and I have made with the members who were our age haven’t exactly all panned out, only because not everyone shows up at the same time, but we at least know we enjoy spending time together, and the next time we’re at a meeting at the same time, I can try to make an overture to hang out.
Hobby spaces are good because even if you don’t hit it off with people at first, you are still getting out of the house and getting to do a thing you like. That first year of taekwando where I talked to no one was still fun because the group was chill and I liked doing the martial art, so even not talking meant I got to have a good time and wanted to go back. Plus the hobby gives you common ground and a thing to talk about. The actual “talking to complete strangers” part is fucking tough, especially if the hobby space isn't structured around Talking to Folks. But a combination of engineering the social conditions to help foster it, and remembering that 1) fucking up small talk is not the end of the world, and 2) most people even if they’re disinterested aren’t gonna want to be rude - people generally want social interactions to go well, and will try to help them go well. That will make it easier.
---
[1] Technically it's tang soo do, which is a different martial art, but it's fairly similar to the point that what little tkd training I had was pretty readily transferrable.[return]
One: a nurse I follow on tumblr posting an extremely thorough powerpoint on How To Small Talk
Two: Having multiple conversations about the difficulty of meeting people and getting to know them
(Edit: OP's blog has since been set to login only, so I've updated the link with one on my public blog)
I would highly recommend the powerpoint. It's a combination explainer for medical staff on how to talk to patients effectively (how to use it to assess patient condition, how to figure out rules of engagement for this person, how to communicate compassionately with someone who's in pain/can't communicate their needs effectively without getting too frustrated and being a dick to them about it). But it also is an excellent how-to guide to things like general best practices, social guidelines, and easy-to-understand examples as demonstration. I think my personal takeaways are "how to figure out what to talk about", how to back out of an accidental conversational landmine (i.e. when asking about pets lands you ass-first into a recent loss), and the slide about levels of conversational intimacy.
The last one in particular has been a recurring pattern for awkward social interactions that me and my partner(s) have experienced when meeting other queer and trans folks - people misjudging the distinction between "personal" and "intimate" and diving feet first into a level of disclosure that is too far too fast for a casual acquaintance. That gaffe doesn't make them bad people, and like. Often it's just a mismatch between the expectations of their main social group and more typical social convention. It is still an important calibration to be able to make, though, and an important skill to have when getting to know people and form new social relationships with them.
The other topic I had on my mind was the main tactic I use for trying to form more IRL connections/an IRL social life. With the caveat that the state of the world means not everyone can safely go to in-person spaces - let's talk about hobbies.
Sometime back in college I'd read something about how the necessary ingredients for friendship are "consistent casual social contact" and "common interests". Hobby spaces serve you up both on a conveniently shaped platter. It's the main way I've been trying to make IRL friendships, now that I'm out of school and am kind of isolated at work. My coworkers are fine but not exactly people I wanna hang out with after we clock out. And more to the point I am Garbage at trying to forge social connections unassisted. I don't carry conversations well by myself, especially with new people, and I rarely if ever approach folks spontaneously. So I started looking for IRL hobby spaces to join. There've been two so far - a taekwando[1] class that I attend weekly after work (twice a week, if I'm *really* good), and a monthly SFF bookclub that meets at my local library.
Both of these spaces have had different results based on the nature of the group/club. I’m not necessarily Familiar with all the people in my martial arts class (especially because many of them are kids and teens), but they are a relatively chill group of people who I enjoy spending time with while working on a shared interest. It’s taken me a year to start like, having conversations with people in class, but it’s nice, and having a familiar group of people who recognize me is a good basis to start talking to them more. Meanwhile, the book club doesn’t meet as often, but the whole point of the gathering is to come together and talk about a shared interest, which means I’ve been able to talk with them more and get my social fill that way. The few direct social connections my wife and I have made with the members who were our age haven’t exactly all panned out, only because not everyone shows up at the same time, but we at least know we enjoy spending time together, and the next time we’re at a meeting at the same time, I can try to make an overture to hang out.
Hobby spaces are good because even if you don’t hit it off with people at first, you are still getting out of the house and getting to do a thing you like. That first year of taekwando where I talked to no one was still fun because the group was chill and I liked doing the martial art, so even not talking meant I got to have a good time and wanted to go back. Plus the hobby gives you common ground and a thing to talk about. The actual “talking to complete strangers” part is fucking tough, especially if the hobby space isn't structured around Talking to Folks. But a combination of engineering the social conditions to help foster it, and remembering that 1) fucking up small talk is not the end of the world, and 2) most people even if they’re disinterested aren’t gonna want to be rude - people generally want social interactions to go well, and will try to help them go well. That will make it easier.
---
[1] Technically it's tang soo do, which is a different martial art, but it's fairly similar to the point that what little tkd training I had was pretty readily transferrable.[return]
no subject
I love martial arts spaces for good chill interactions + the ability to simply exist and not talk if you aren't in a mood for that. Glad that's working out for you!
Thoughts
Bear in mind that there are diverse reasons why people can't or don't want to do small talk. For me, it's exhausting, boring, and actively counterproductive. The alleged reason is to get to know people, but since it is supposed to be devoid of meaningful information, it just makes me want to leave, which is the opposite of helpful in connecting with people.
I prefer the kind of interest-based introductory talk, and I've actually been at an event where everyone did that -- it was a nature group meeting, and went like this: "Hi, my name is X, and my yard/farm is like Y." If there was no match, you split up to look for a match elsewhere; if you found common ground then you chatted about it for a while before looping the room again. That was fun. Regrettably it is not the way most people like to socialize. But if I pretended to like small talk, that would generate false matches, which is also not helpful.
>> let's talk about hobbies.<<
I've been featuring one hobby per week as my Thursday post.
>>Hobby spaces are good because even if you don’t hit it off with people at first, you are still getting out of the house and getting to do a thing you like.<<
Some people find it much easier to interact with others when they all have something to do, not just stare at each other and make words. In this regard, volunteering is another good option.