Thank you for writing this. We've been on both sides of the "supporting trauma kids" situation, and we've been wondering how to do that better (or honestly, whether it's possible at all) after a bad experience where we only gave help and didn't receive any. This has given us hope, because we've had really good experiences too and our kids want that kind of connection in our life. There's a way that it's possible, we just have to figure it out.
System responsibility - the other system members trying to help their kids, but also recognizing that they still need practice and won't always manage it - seems to be the most important factor.
Also, hearing "kids don't need to be able to do care work" was revolutionary for us. Maybe it shouldn't be, but as a system who's often co-conscious and covert, those boundaries got blurred a LOT. It's hard to admit when we can't do something.
We wanted to write that it's probably harder to give support between two systems, but that might not even be true. A singlet can also have a day where they just can't help, for whatever reason, just like we can have a day where a kid is frontstuck and can't help. It's not like we have to argue "I'm a kid therefore I can't help" - if we don't feel equipped to handle the situation, we can't help, and that needs to be respected.
So I guess that's the other important factor - being able to say no and have that no be respected (and allowing yourself/selves to say no).
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-06-28 06:50 am (UTC)System responsibility - the other system members trying to help their kids, but also recognizing that they still need practice and won't always manage it - seems to be the most important factor.
Also, hearing "kids don't need to be able to do care work" was revolutionary for us. Maybe it shouldn't be, but as a system who's often co-conscious and covert, those boundaries got blurred a LOT. It's hard to admit when we can't do something.
We wanted to write that it's probably harder to give support between two systems, but that might not even be true. A singlet can also have a day where they just can't help, for whatever reason, just like we can have a day where a kid is frontstuck and can't help. It's not like we have to argue "I'm a kid therefore I can't help" - if we don't feel equipped to handle the situation, we can't help, and that needs to be respected.
So I guess that's the other important factor - being able to say no and have that no be respected (and allowing yourself/selves to say no).