Really glad it was helpful! Yeah, this is often pretty necessary work, but work that isn't really taught explicitly, and when you're out there in the trenches having to figure it all out on the fly while worrying about the person you care about, well. It's a fuckin time and a half. Part of the "children shouldn't be caretakers"/maintaining age-appropriate boundaries section comes from my own experiences getting too involved in the problems of the adults in my life. So you're in good company re: bad prior experiences.
Reciprocity of care is important, as is being able to say no when you can't do it. Reciprocity fills your own tank back up, and shows you the other person is taking on some of their load (so you don't have to bear it all by yourself). Saying no means you're not drawing yourself down and you'll be better equipped to do the things that are in your capacity. Blendiness definitely sounds like it'd make it hard to tell if/when you're not able to do stuff, but I hope you can get better at taking a moment to check in with yourselves before diving into support mode. I've had my own learning moments of suddenly noticing that my face is pins-and-needles, or other tell-tale signs that I've pushed myself into an empty tank - it is as you say that singlets are not immune to having our own limits or being unavailable. My wife and I have a mutual partnersys, and all of us have taken turns on the "talking to a partner having a breakdown" train - the two of us not in crisis support and anchor each other, and we also each find ways to shore ourselves up to keep from getting caught in undertows. We have support options that are possible at different levels of capacity. And more importantly, we build ways to recover ourselves or have alternate avenues of support when the others are unavailable. You can definitely build a good connection with good people out there, and I hope you get there eventually!
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2025-06-28 08:18 pm (UTC)Reciprocity of care is important, as is being able to say no when you can't do it. Reciprocity fills your own tank back up, and shows you the other person is taking on some of their load (so you don't have to bear it all by yourself). Saying no means you're not drawing yourself down and you'll be better equipped to do the things that are in your capacity. Blendiness definitely sounds like it'd make it hard to tell if/when you're not able to do stuff, but I hope you can get better at taking a moment to check in with yourselves before diving into support mode. I've had my own learning moments of suddenly noticing that my face is pins-and-needles, or other tell-tale signs that I've pushed myself into an empty tank - it is as you say that singlets are not immune to having our own limits or being unavailable. My wife and I have a mutual partnersys, and all of us have taken turns on the "talking to a partner having a breakdown" train - the two of us not in crisis support and anchor each other, and we also each find ways to shore ourselves up to keep from getting caught in undertows. We have support options that are possible at different levels of capacity. And more importantly, we build ways to recover ourselves or have alternate avenues of support when the others are unavailable. You can definitely build a good connection with good people out there, and I hope you get there eventually!